4th. October - Saint Francis

Saint Francis was born in Gateshead, Tyne and Wear, during the reign of that nasty Queen Mary. He grew up to be an excellent seaman and, single-handed, defeated the Spanish Armada which Pope Joan had sent to invade England because of our liberal abortion laws. (Pope Joan was a woman but the cardinals thought her enormous boobies were because she took hormones like the other "girls" in the Vatican.)

Because he was so brave, Queen Bess fell in love with Francis and they were married. However, because Francis was well gay, she remained a virgin.

Whilst playing bowls one morning on the cliffs near Plymouth, Francis had a vision of a painted crucifix and he decided to become a saint. This cross is now in the side chapel at St. Francis Church, High Heaton, Newcastle, a place of holiness and a regular Monday evening quiz (free coffee and biscuits).

Saint Francis was a life-long member of the Church of England and became chairman of the Anglican Consultative Council (A.C.C.). After he was savaged to death by a wolf he foolishly tried to talk to, he was given the name "Francis of ACC" in recognition of all his work for the council.

In his last will and testament, Francis insisted that he should be buried in the same grave as his long time gentleman friend, Sir Walter Raleigh.

He was a very good man because he whupped the Spanish and stopped them replacing our Sunday roast with expensive, little nibbles that just make you thirsty. Hooray, for Saint Francis!




















OCICBW... thanks Professor MadPriest of the Newcastle School Of Historical Inaccuracy for his help in compiling this biography of one of England's most beloved sons.

Professor MadPriest is currently carrying out research on a mug that was dredged up from the bottom of the River Tyne with the words "Jesus is coming - look busy" on the front and the words "Christ's mug - keep your filthy mitts off!" scratched on the back. Not only will this find prove conclusively that Jesus was English, as many eminent historians have suspected for a long time, but it will also prove that there were trading links between Newcastle and China as far back as the 1st. Century A.D.