Friday, 9 November 2012

FUTURE ARCHBISHOP KICKS
UNEMPLOYED PRIEST IN TEETH

On the day Justin Welby received the official offer of the highest paid clerical job in the Church of England, I received this. It is either the funniest joke ever or the sickest. Maybe both.


A couple of weeks ago I wrote to the Bishop of Durham asking for his help in respect of this job. I said that because of the baggage from my past I needed extra help in order that the playing field could be levelled. He replied that he would not help me because he never interfered with the selection process. But this decision came direct from the bishop's senior staff meeting without any reference to the parish involved.

That's two funerals and a kick in the teeth all within two weeks.

Oh, and I said this would be the last attempt by me to stay in the Church. What I have to do now is decide if all this proves that there really is no God or if it proves that God is either completely ineffectual in the face of institutional evil or a just a right bastard.


LOUD FRIDAY (AND I MEAN LOUD)


Do you have problems with the build up of wax in your ear canals making hearing what people are saying to you difficult? Worry no longer! Just place one earphone against one of your ears, turn up the volume and click on the play arrow below. The wax will blown straight out of your other ear at 100 MPH! (approx.)



BAND'S WEBSITE


R.I.P.

Thank you for all your prayers for a happy death for my father-in-law, Alan. He arrived back at the care home yesterday evening. The staff made him comfortable and then brought him something to eat. One of the carers started to feed him which really annoyed him. He insisted he could feed himself and he did. He swallowed three spoonfuls and as he raised the fourth to his mouth, he died. Just like that. No pain, no fuss, no mess, no waiting.

Thursday, 8 November 2012

CHINA DECIDES

From THE HUFFINGTON POST:

Over the next few days, China will slowly lift the veil of secrecy that has shrouded what appears to have been a contentious leadership transition. More than 2,000 delegates to the 18th Party Congress have gathered in Beijing to choose the next president and premier of China, as well as the other members of the elite standing committee of the politburo.





NEWS UPDATE:

According to Ruth Gledhill at The Times, the nice lady who works behind the counter at the Pearl Harbour Chop Suey House at the end of her street has revealed to her, off the record, that the Chinese Congress has already made it's decision and in a complete break with tradition has chosen a foreigner to lead their country for the next ten years. Although there has been no official announcement as yet it is widely believed that the new President of Communist China will be the Bishop of Durham, Justin Welby. Bookmakers throughout China have suspended the taking of bets on Mr Welby.

An artist's impression of what
Bishop Justin Welby will look like
when he's President of China
Very important people in the Church of England are understood to be spitting feathers as Bishop Welby had agreed to be the new Archbishop of Canterbury only a couple of days ago. Former archbishop, George Carey is reported as having stated that "Welby is no better than Adolf Hitler," and the head of the Church of England, Queen Elizabeth II, has crossed the commie loving, northern prelate off her Christmas card list.

There could be even more embarrassment ahead for England's number one church. It is rumoured that members of the Crown Nominations Committee were so confident that the Bishop of Durham would accept the Canterbury job that they couldn't be arsed to choose a sensible second candidate. So they stuck a pin in "Crockfords."

The next Archbishop of Canterbury will now be the Reverend Cynthia Daftbucket, a retired non-stipendary minister from Bishops Gossip, Norfolk, who accepted David Cameron's invitation to take up the post before officials from Lambeth Palace could get to the Prime Minister to tell him it was just a joke.

IN THIS TIME OF DYING

Two weeks ago I made the decision to euthanise my old dog, Glenna. Today I made the same decision in respect of my father in law, Alan, who has advanced dementia, pneumonia and is incapable of swallowing. Of course, it's euthanasia by non-intervention so we have to wait a while before we can say our final farewell to him..

Glenna's ending was calm, quick, painless and civilised. Alan's ending will be frightening, painful, drawn out and messy. It is said that the English love their dogs more than they love other people. Certainly the different way we treat dogs and people at their time of dying would indicate that this is true.

WHAT CHANCE HAVE YOU GOT
AGAINST A TIE AND CREST?


The following is a piece I first posted on this blog back in March of this year under the heading "IT'S TOUGH AT THE TOP BUT IT'S A DAMN SIGHT TOUGHER AT THE BOTTOM."

I am not suggesting for one moment that those who end up with the top jobs in my country, who come from privileged backgrounds, are not qualified for the posts they hold. The injustice is this, the greasy poles of the various hierarchies of my society are far, far greasier at the bottom than they are at the top. Therefore, people who are already half way up the pole because of the accidental privileges of their parentage, have an incredible advantage over those people, who are equally qualified, but whose parents couldn't afford to send them to a posh school or who had been born on the wrong side of the British class system tracks.

However, the privileged who attain high office do have a problem, especially if they have a normal human conscience. They have to live with the fact that bolshie oiks like me will automatically assume they got their job because of who they know and who they went to school with. That must be both frustrating and annoying for those private school / Oxbridge educated occupiers of high office who actually worked hard and deserve their position.

A lot of rich and powerful people are either devoid of empathy for those they rule it over or have justified their privilege to themselves in such a way that makes it bearable. But that can't be true for all of them. It is obvious from prime minister, David Cameron's attempts to be seen as "of the people" that his background embarrasses him to some extent, and Bishop Justin Welby's enthusiasm to get his hands dirty preaching the good news in some really nasty places of extreme poverty, shows that he has tried to distance himself from the spoiled rich.

The question I am left asking is this: can people like David Cameron and Justin Welby ever escape the destiny of their position in our class system? Justin's rise through the church hierarchy has been meteoric by normal standards and I very much doubt that this was due to his own politicking or playing the old school tie card. It is my guess that it had a lot to do with the expectations of those around him with the authority to offer him preferment. I don't think the English have ever got over their medieval deference to the fighting estate and the lords of the manor. The Bishop of Durham went to Eton and was something big in the oil industry, therefore, he is an obvious choice to be the next Archbishop of Canterbury. There is nothing we can do about that, it's the way things are. I suggest that there is nothing Justin can do about it either.

Some are born great; the rest of us have to knife our colleagues in the back and have the Machiavellian indifference to other human beings of Vlad the Impaler, in order to achieve the same greatness.

THE MAD TIPSTER

Not for the first time, you read it here first. Before he had even been enthroned as Prince Bishop of Durham, OCICBW... boldly stated that Justin Welby would be a future archbishop of Canterbury and suggested he could very well be the next one.

It's not that I am some sort of prophet. It's just that human beings, especially English ones, are boringly predictable. That a former oil executive who went to Eton College and Oxbridge would rise rapidly to the top job in the Church of England was as inevitable as rain during Wimbledon fortnight.

So, if you fancy a flutter that is about as near to being a sure thing as you can possibly get, go down to your local bookmakers and put your money on Giles Fraser becoming the next bishop of Durham.


ELDERLY PRIEST COMES DOWN
TO EARTH WITHOUT A BUMP

From ADELAIDE NOW:

Tim Harrison, an 85-year-old priest at Perth's St George's Cathedral proved that you are never too old to do something silly, after he abseiled down the side of the historic building in a bid to highlight Western Australia's upcoming Seniors Week. Calling on limited experience - he abseiled once before during World War II in 1944 - Reverend Harrison first climbed the spiral staircase and then the extended ladder to take him to the top of the castellated tower. Then strapped in and determined, Mr Harrison calmly swung his legs over and slid serenely to the ground, as his family and supporters looked on nervously. "It sounded like a good idea at the time, but I changed my mind half way up. It is a question of trust. You trust your gear and you trust your mate, and that also goes for life. I have had some good mates and I have had some good gear," he said afterwards.


OCICBW... loves an idiot, so we are extremely happy to be able to award Father Tim our universally coveted award of...

BRICK 
OF THE 
DAY

May he live many more years and jump off many more buildings. Safely, of course!

DAWN OF THE ZOMBIE FLESH EATING FERRETS

From NEWS.COM.AU:


AS Florence Taylor pootled home from the shops on her mobility scooter, her thoughts probably drifted to the cup of tea she was about to enjoy. But she was rudely interrupted when something furry flashed past her. It was a ferret, which duly hopped on to the scooter – then sank its teeth into her leg. A terrified Mrs Taylor deployed her walking stick to try to bat the ferret away, but it hung on for two agonising minutes.

The grandmother of ten said: ‘I’ve never felt pain like it. I’m too scared to leave home in case it attacks me again.’

But police won’t investigate the incident, saying it was not a criminal matter.

Be afraid! Be very afraid!

The ferrets of England have had enough of being stuffed down the trousers of northerners with irregular personal hygiene regimes and they are coming to get us.

Wednesday, 7 November 2012

NEWS JUST IN


Oh, that naughty, naughty Catholic laity. All those letters that were written to them by all those bishops and they still voted for all the wrong sort of Biblical values.

Tuesday, 6 November 2012

THE NEXT ARCHBISHOP OF CANTERBURY
WILL BE JUSTIN WELBY


Just as the MadPriest told you would happen over a year ago.

GIVE COMEDIANS A BREAK
- VOTE REPUBLICAN!



Comedians throughout the world are all hoping for a Mitt Romney landslide victory today and a return to the glorious days when, if you couldn't come up with anything new to joke about, you could always fall back on taking the piss out of the nutter the Americans had elected to be their president. For the last four years nobody has cracked a joke about Barack Obama. This is not a pro-leftwing thing as English comedians were merciless in their piss-taking of Hilary Clinton's husband. No, it is because Barack Obama is a great statesman who has earned the respect of people throughout the world who value calm, intelligent diplomacy. For four years we have felt safer.

People of America, if you must vote for another mouthy, arrogant, xenophobic Republican then don't start whinging about how the rest of the world looks down on you. We haven't for four years and that's completely down to the fact that you elected a decent, human being to be your president, a man not suffering from learning disabilities, senile dementia or sex mania for a change.


FOR THOSE ABOUT TO VOTE


Sunday, 4 November 2012

THE NEW PUPPY

After two weeks of searching, today the MadGang found a puppy we think will be up to the incredibly difficult task of filling the enormous hole in our lives created by Glenna's untimely and sudden death.

Below is Quiz. A six week old border collie boy from champion sheep dog trial stock.

Two weeks tomorrow we will be returning to the farm where he was born to bring him to his new home in County Durham.

Doesn't he look handsome?






WORSHIP AT SAINT LAIKA'S



A SERVICE OF HOLY COMMUNION

THE FOURTH SUNDAY 
BEFORE ADVENT

THE TWENTY THIRD SUNDAY
AFTER PENTECOST

All are welcome to join me in taking communion. 

The order of service is posted beneath the audio file so that you can join in with the service. The words in bold type are the ones we say together.

If you want to physically partake of communion you will require a small piece of bread and a small amount of drink (preferably made from grapes and containing alcohol). How you view the nature of this part of the service is completely up to you.

The order of service is posted beneath the audio file so that you can join in with the service. The words in bold type are the ones we say together.

Click on the arrow on the player to stream.
Download via the MP3 icon below the player.
Download podcast via iTUNES.


MP3 File

CLICK HERE for order of service (opens in new window)