Friday, 21 December 2012

WHY WE ARE NOT DEAD

Life is full of disappointments and the failure of the world to end today is just another one to add to the  list. It does, of course, mean that we are all going to have to get through the whole damn Christmas thing now. I'm annoyed at this but I expect there are literally billions of women throughout the world who are really pissed that they are not going to be rescued from a week of cooking and washing up by a fortuitous Armageddon incident. But the shop owners should be pleased. Everyone who had sensibly put off the buying of presents this year as they didn't want to waste their money will be rushing to the malls in the next three days in a mad bid to buy the Christmas they were hoping wasn't going to happen this year.

A lot of people are saying that the Mayans got it wrong. But I've been doing some research on this and I have discovered that nothing could be further from the truth. The Mayans were spot on and the world is going to end on the 21st. December 2012. The thing is it will not be the 21st. December 2012 for another 300 odd years.

From WIKIPEDIA:

The Phantom Time Hypothesis is a conspiracy theory developed by Heribert Illig (born 1947 in Vohenstrauß, Germany) in 1991. It proposes that periods of history, specifically that of Europe during the Early Middle Ages (AD 614–911), did not exist, and that there has been a systematic effort to cover up that fact. Illig believed that this was achieved through the alteration, misrepresentation and forgery of documentary and physical evidence.

The bases of Illig's hypothesis include:

1) The scarcity of archaeological evidence that can be reliably dated to the period AD 614–911, on perceived inadequacies of radiometric and dendrochronological methods of dating this period, and on the over-reliance of medieval historians on written sources.

2) The presence of Romanesque architecture in tenth-century Western Europe. This is taken as evidence that less than half a millennium could have passed since the fall of the Roman Empire, and concludes that the entire Carolingian period, including the person of Charlemagne, is a forgery by medieval chroniclers, more precisely a conspiracy instigated by Otto III and Gerbert d'Aurillac.

3) The relation between the Julian calendar, Gregorian calendar and the underlying astronomical solar or tropical year. The Julian calendar, introduced by Julius Caesar, was long known to introduce a discrepancy from the tropical year of around one day, for each century that the calendar was in use. By the time the Gregorian calendar was introduced in AD 1582, Illig alleges that the old Julian calendar "should" have produced a discrepancy of thirteen days between it and the real (or tropical) calendar. Instead, the astronomers and mathematicians working for Pope Gregory had found that the civil calendar needed to be adjusted by only ten days. From this, Illig concludes that the AD era had counted roughly three centuries which never existed.

Of course, this also explains why Harold Camping ended up with egg on his face. He wasn't wrong, after all. He was just a little bit early in his prediction of doom for no fault of his own.

Unfortunately most people are not as sensible as me and did not bother to check all the conspiracy theories out there before getting all worked up about the dolphins thanking us for all the fish and leaving for outer space today. Typical of such easily panicked individuals is Dutch, fundamentalist Christian, Pieter Frank van der Meer.

From AFP:

A Dutch Christian has painstakingly prepared a lifeboat in his garden capable of saving 50 people ahead of biblical floods he expects to accompany Friday's Mayan-foretold 'doomsday.' A fervent Christian, Van der Meer bought the orange totally enclosed lifeboat for 13,000 euros (around 17,000 dollars) and has installed a toilet, a sink, a child's car seat and food supplies.



"The Mayans weren't crazy, and if you also look at biblical prophecies, the mountains will melt like wax," Pieter Frank van der Meer told the left-wing Volkskrant daily on Thursday.

He said that the alignment of the Solar System's planets on December 21 will generate and release huge amounts of cosmic energy.

"This will activate the sun," he said. "It's difficult to say what exactly will happen with the sun, but you can expect an enormous solar flare," which could cause a tsunami or a second Flood. Alternatively, there may be a huge earthquake.

"The end of the world is serious," Van der Meer's wife told the Algemeen Dagblad newspaper.


"But what comes afterwards is magnificent."

That would be Saturday then.

MORE THAN WORDS

After the horrific shootings at the Sandy Hook Elementary School, the K-9 Disaster Relief Foundation, a national non-profit organization helping traumatized victims through canine crisis intervention, brings therapy dogs to Newtown, CT to help children and families deal with the heartbreak and grief from recent tragedies.

According to Frank Shane, Executive Director and founder of K-9 Disaster Relief, who is featured in the book 9/11: Stories of Courage, Heroism and Generosity, "I worked on Ground Zero for nine months and saw first hand how the power of a dog can help ease the pain and heartbreak during times of unfathomable grief."

Shane's affable retriever and canine partner, Chance, exudes love and affection during a time when there are no words. Research shows that dogs are accepted as loving non-judgmental living animals. "Dogs don't speak, so they don't lie -- they can be trusted. All they know is love and are like big soft teddy bears, but are real and alive," said Shane, a board certified trauma specialist and canine counselor. In a forthcoming documentary on the human-animal-bond Shane explained, "Dogs are able to communicate through kindness and unconditional love. They speak louder than words."



RICKY GERVAIS ADMITS "ATHEISTS ARE
NO DIFFERENT TO FUNDAMENTALISTS"

Most philosophers I've met are not very funny and most comedians are really shit philosophers. Ricky Gervais is not an exception to this rule. In fact, he rather sets the gold standard for comedians who should stick to the day job. In a recent interview published by the "New Statesman" magazine he shouts loudly about how wonderful and infallible science is and how it's current pronouncements will last unchanged for all eternity, as only a person absolutely petrified by uncertainty can do, and then completely contradicts himself by claiming that it is dogmatism that is the enemy of humankind. Of course, he's right about dogmatism, but surely it applies to dogmatic science as much as dogmatic religion. Gervais' belief in the certainty of current evolutionary theory, for example, is as naive as that of an Islamic suicide bomber's belief in the sex he's he's going to get after he has blown himself on the number whatever bus. Personally I've experienced scientists changing their minds about stuff, and big stuff too, so many times in my life, that I prefer to remain openminded about all things, not just openminded about whatever it's trendy to be openminded about, which in British comedian circles tends to be whatever Stephen Fry is (t)wittering on about at any particular moment in time.

You're probably wondering what the headline to this rant is about. Well here you go...

From THE NEW STATESMAN:

This is very important – there is a difference between people who happen to believe in God, for whatever reason, and the very small minority of crazy, mental, psychotic people who use their religion as a conduit for hate.

There is a difference between people who think, “I’m going to go to heaven and see my relatives” and people who say, “If my son is born homosexual, I’m going to murder him.” There is a chasm. Fundamentalists have no more in common with the average Christian, Muslim or Jew than atheists do.

Well, at least there's something me an 'im can agree on.


OH, OOBEE DOO, I WANNA BE LIKE YOU

I wanna walk like you.
Talk like you, too.
You'll see it's true.

From THE LONDON EVENING STANDARD:

Atheists are to establish a London “church” — believed to be the first in Britain. Two stand-up comedians want to form a congregation of non-believers in a former church and even plan to hold weddings and funerals. Sunday Assembly will meet at 11am on the first Sunday of every month, starting on January 6, the Feast of the Epiphany, at The Nave in Islington.

Why the feck don't they just join the Unitarians?
Oh, I know. They wouldn't necessarily be in charge and up on stage themselves if they did that.

TOP ENCHILADA TURNS UP ON FLATBREAD

Rene Cantu, of San Antonio, has spotted Jesus in his tortilla.

He claims, “I’ve been having a lot of bad stuff happen to me. Ever since this happened it’s been good luck to me. Every time I take it to the store I get a Lotto and I win!”


Well, that's proof enough for me. Although, to be honest, I'm having trouble seeing the likeness to any of the known images of Jesus. To me it looks like one of the elder chimpanzees from "Planet of the Apes."

HEADLINE OF THE DAY (2)


From what I've heard, most of them don't need forcing.

HEADLINE OF THE DAY (1)

More innovation from those crazy Christians in the Catskills.
What will they think of next?


Thursday, 20 December 2012

HEADLINE OF THE DAY



Oh, I don't know. There's some rather rotund men who go to church as well, especially among the Anglo-Catholic clergy.

Wednesday, 19 December 2012

GRAND TUFTI STICKS UP FOR CODGERS

From YAHOO:

The Archbishop of Canterbury has appealed for an end to damaging stereotypes of older people, which he says have created a climate in which they suffer abuse. In his final speech in the UK House of Lords, Dr Rowan Williams said attitudes of "contempt and exasperation" towards the ageing population were contributing to a range of abuse, from patronising and impatient behaviour to physical mistreatment. He referred to estimates that a quarter of the older population experience elder abuse in some form and called for the British government to appoint a national Older People's Commissioner.

I thought he'd already got a job to go to. Perhaps he's forgotten.


INTERPRETING STATISTICS

From BIRMINGHAM MAIL:

The West Midlands is home to 178 self-proclaimed Satanists, new census data has revealed.The figures come from last year’s census and were published by the Office for National Statistics.

Err, no. What the census figures actually reveal is that there are 178 dickheads in the West Midlands who think it's funny to write Satanist in the religion box on the census form. Blame arrested development.

GAY MARRIAGE WILL LEAD TO CATHOLIC SAINT'S PERFECT WORLD CLAIMS VATICAN NEWSPAPER

From BIG POND:

The Vatican's newspaper has criticised laws on gay marriage as an attempt at a communist-like 'Utopia', a day after tens of thousands of demonstrators turned out in France to support homosexual unions. In a scathing front-page editorial, the official Osservatore Romano daily said gay couples were in 'a different reality' from heterosexual couples.

Well yes, we all know already that gay people exist in a different reality. At least my friend KJ does.

ENGLISH MUSLIMS DEMAND LESS FREEDOM

Muslim leaders yesterday criticised controversial plans to allow gay marriages – and demanded they should have the same legal exemption as the Church of England. The Muslim Council of Britain, which represents 500 mosques and community organisations, claimed the law was ‘utterly discriminatory’ and said they were ‘appalled’ by it.

Oh, for goodness sake! Now the Muslims are complaining that they not being oppressed as much as the Christians. Full story, plus a load of waffle to make it look like a much bigger story than it actually is, at THE MAIL.

UGANDAN MEN CRAP AT ORAL SEX

The Reverend Martin Ssempa, a vehemently antigay pastor
in Uganda who travels the country preaching against
"sodomy" by showing pornography in churches, couldn't
show basic common courtesy to a transgender man whom
he appeared with on Ugandan talk show Morning Breeze.


Video streaming by Ustream

KNOWING MY LUCK THE WORLD
WON'T END ON FRIDAY


THANKS BISHOP WHARTON

When you are an unemployed priest the day before the end of the world is no different to any other day.

NRA ON BACKFOOT


Monday, 17 December 2012

THE WRATH OF GOD

HAUTE STARK RAVING BONKERS

This short film, directed by Alex Goddard, is made for Nicola Finetti’s autumn/winter 2013 collection. The whole collection is very playful yet pure with the monastic hats combined with the provocative and sexy clothes.

“The inspiration for the AW/13 collection are nuns, who have the best uniform of any profession – Nicola considers their dresses a haute couture habit.”

TRANSGENDER JESUS

Those naughty Anglicans from St Matthew in the City down in Auckland, New Zeeland, like to amuse us every Christmas with their alternative billboard campaign. This year they're on a queer Christ trip which is guaranteed to upset the local homophobes who will, no doubt, rip it down or deface it as soon as the vicar's back is turned. As this is exactly what the good folk at Saint Matthew's want to happen, as it's great publicity for their Christmas services, everyone ends up happy, most especially copy hungry newspaper editors.


The irony, of course, is that the people of Saint Matthews, who are no doubt always being accused by evangelicals of being revisionist and caving into the modern zeitgeist are, if this clip from a recent BBC4 documentary is accurate, being orthodox in the extreme. Like all good gods two thousand years ago, Jesus was a travesti, a lady boy, a shemale. And as such he was much more inclined to encourage his followers to have a good time than to put them on any sort of guilt trip. But, then, those were the good old days.

video

MADPRIEST'S THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

If contraception is unnatural then
so is the building of flood defences.

WHAT IF THEY THREW A WAR BUT EVERYBODY WAS TOO BUSY HAVING SEX TO JOIN IN?

Which is pretty much exactly the way those clever little bonobos deal with confrontation. The pope is not a bonobo, which is a good thing as it means I don't have to conjure up a thought in my head that would most likely lead to a projectile vomiting incident. The pope believes that sex between two consenting adults, who love each other and want to stay with each till death do them part, actually leads to war. Well, there was the case of King Arthur having to go into battle against Sir Lancelot because the randy Frenchman was screwing his missus but that may not have really happened. So, it appears that the pope is talking out of his backside again and is most definitely contributing far more hatred into human society's communal pot than any number of blokes shacking up together. He should get a room, as my friends in America put it.

From MALTA STAR:

Pope Benedict XVI came under fire from gay-rights campaigners on Friday for suggesting that attempts to give gay unions the same status as marriages between men and women pose a threat to justice and peace.

"There is also a need to acknowledge and promote the natural structure of marriage as the union of a man and a woman in the face of attempts to make it juridically equivalent to radically different types of union," the pope said in his message for World Day of Peace 2013, which was presented by the Holy See on Friday.

He continued, "Such attempts actually harm and help to destabilize marriage, obscuring its specific nature and its indispensable role in society. These principles are not truths of faith, nor are they simply a corollary of the right to religious freedom. They are inscribed in human nature itself, accessible to reason and thus common to all humanity. The Church's efforts to promote them are not therefore confessional in character, but addressed to all people, whatever their religious affiliation. Efforts of this kind are all the more necessary the more these principles are denied or misunderstood, since this constitutes an offence against the truth of the human person, with serious harm to justice and peace."

Anna Paola Concia, an Italian, lesbian MP with the main centre-left Democratic Party immediately made the pope look like a complete idiot by asking, "What are the battles that have most undermined peace in the history of the world? Are they the religious wars or the claims of the lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender movement, who are only asking to see love between two people of the same sex to be recognised."

Exactly.

Now I don't personally believe that there is any point in appealing to natural law in any moral argument because everything that happens in nature is, by its very nature, natural. But, if I was to accept the pope's premise that some things are natural and some are not then I would have to come to the conclusion very quickly that the Christians faith is predominantly about getting people to go against nature. You see, rape, murder and stealing, bullying, child abuse and leaving the old and sick to die from starvation, these are all natural. Altruism, caring for the weak, campaigning against the powerful who bully and abuse, these are unnatural ideas and, very much, the stuff of Christ's teaching.

The massacre of the children in Connecticut was very much a natural thing. The sort of thing that happens in nature all the while. To respond to this tragedy by campaigning for the elimination of guns from private ownership in the United States would be an unnatural thing to do as it goes against the natural law that gives priority to the strongest.

What would Jesus do?

What would the pope do?

Would they both do the same?

In respect of the Connecticut shootings, probably yes. But, unlike the pope, Jesus would be consistant. Jesus places faith, hope and love above all other laws, natural or man-made. So he would be supportive of same gender marriage just as much as he would be supportive of the eradication of guns and other weapons from human society, and for the same reason. Namely that God is love and anything that is of love is of God. If such love appears to be unnatural then that is of no account as nature is subject to the God who created it and God has also given human beings dominion over nature. We are not slaves to nature. We are, as Roxy Music put it, slaves to love.

The pope's message for World Day of Peace 2013, which takes place January 1, is entitled Blessed are the Peacemakers.

Ye scribes and pharisees! Ye hypocrites!


DOGS ARE TAKING OVER THE WORLD

I'm going to teach Quiz how to do this. Mrs MP is sometimes a little less than enthusiastic about drinking bottled water all evening so she's okay to drive me home from the pub.

Sunday, 16 December 2012

WORSHIP AT SAINT LAIKA'S


A SERVICE OF HOLY COMMUNION
THE THIRD SUNDAY OF ADVENT

The order of service is posted beneath the audio file so that you can join in with the service. The words in bold type are the ones we say together.
If you want to physically partake of communion you will require a small piece of bread and a small amount of drink (preferably made from grapes and containing alcohol). How you view the nature of this part of the service is completely up to you.

The order of service is posted beneath the audio file so that you can join in with the service. The words in bold type are the ones we say together.

Click on the arrow on the player to stream.
Download via the MP3 icon below the player.
Download podcast via iTUNES.


MP3 File
 
CLICK HERE for order of service and credits 
(opens in new window)



Slowly, but surely, the running total for this year's Christmas Appeal is creeping up and it now stands at a rather good...

£300

All monies raised will got towards the running costs of my online ministry and, if there's anything left over, to get me some new clothes in the January sales.

You can find out all about the appeal, what it's for and what have you by CLICKING HERE.

And here is the widget you need to click on to make your donation. Absolutely any amount of cash will be greatly appreciated.


As always, donators to my cause, receive a specially created, MadPriest photoshop toon that is not available elsewhere. Well, I like to make this begging for money as much fun as possible for all of us.

WHERE THERE IS NO WILL